Grace in Small Things: 80 of 365

I have a confession. This one is retrospective for yesterday, because I fell asleep.

1. Huge lie in, plus naps



2. Printing out our pictures for our photo frame we bought with our wedding voucher



3. Crossing more DIY things off the list, covering up drips and hanging a picture



4. Reading in the bath



5. Getting excited about the new version of Sherlock Holmes that starts next week…

Grace in Small Things: 79 of 365

1. Buying new clothes. In the sale!



2. Mozz :o)



3. Ben and Jerries Ice cream in the cinema... Mmmmm chocolatey...



4. Clearing away lots of the DIY stuff from the new rooms... almost there!



5. Having a little love in with Bertieface - he's such a purry furry tart!

Grace in Small Things: 78 of 365

1. Being able to work from home and snooze during the day



2. Snuggling up with an Esmecat purring away and licking my face



3. Seeing a new episode of Shooting Stars - made me cackle out loud!



4. Vin Diesel, and the fourth Fast and Furious movie....



5. Rasberries!

Grace in Small Things: 77 of 365

1. Seeing three bees at once on a lavender bush



2. Seeing one of those flowers that look like a bird growing in the garden three doors up from us. I didn't realise that they would grow outside round here



3. Opening the dishwasher in the morning, expecting to have to empty it, and it being empty. I love my Mozz.



4. Treating myself to a new pair of pyjama bottoms for £3.50 for losing 5lbs!



5. Coming home to find that magic Janet had been. I'd completely forgotten and came home to this magically clean awesome house. It made me cry.

Fix You

This is a bit of a break in the usual listy transmission, and a cross posting from my usual place - it just seemed like a very good place to put it. I am having a bad day today - two lots of tears at my desk already. Luckily, no one has caught me. I feel awful. Both physically and mentally. I want to fix things, but I don't even know where to start any more I feel so tired...

---

The day before my wedding was a weird one. We pretty much had everything under control, I just needed two things from town before heading off for my massage which I had booked – a bit of a treat for my achey body. I got the jobs done, grabbed a coffee and got into the car, which was parked in a car park that was partly a building site at the time. I put the keys in the ignition, and the radio came on. Radio one were airing a live special recording of a Coldplay concert.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

Suddenly, it all hit me. All those months of planning and sorting and doing and focussing on the bigger goal, and it was all done. All ready. That was it. I’d like to think it was a big wave of relief, but I don’t really think it was. I think that I had been putting all my energies into the wedding, and had totally and utterly ignored how I had been feeling.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

And, with all the builders looking on at the tall redhead in the swanky soft top, I cried. The tears started falling and I couldn’t stop them. It wasn’t like a huge, sobbing crying, but it was totally uncontrollable. I felt like someone had died almost – like this was the end of me, and my body had betrayed me, and I was never going back to being the girl dancing in revolutions on her own, twinkling and flirting – and part of me didn’t want the last bit particularly but I wanted to be able to – and I wasn’t. And I was never going to have that freedom again that comes with being single – the freedom to pick and choose what to do totally and utterly selfishly; to eat porridge for tea because you can’t be bothered to cook, and to spend money on whatever the hell I wanted once the bills were paid. None of this was actually changing – things had been this way for years. And it wasn’t really that side of it that was bothering me, looking back. I mean, I think I did have a little grieving process about getting married – it is, after all, moving from one passage of your life into another – like leaving school – you’re excited about uni but sad and scared to leave the safety of home behind…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

More of it though, I think, was to do with my body. I got this weird achey tiredness and the pain and confusion that went with it not long after we got engaged, really, looking back. More precisely, I’d been having low grade episodes for years – even at uni I had what I can now see was a massive flare up of it all. Sometimes it does feel like bright white hot beams of pain inside my bones. Sometimes it’s just like being so tired that you feel drunk. I have – and had – become increasingly useless to my mind (though not to others) and pointless. The wedding was about the only thing holding me together – at no point had I thought past “as long as I can make it to/through the wedding/honeymoon”…

And through it all, Dave has loved me, and wanted to fix me.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

He doesn’t care that I can’t always manage a staircase – he loves me - not the casing. Though he thinks the casing is pretty foxy. I can see that it drives him mad to not be able to fix me. He hates that I hurt, and that I get so worn out, and I often think that it must be worse, almost, to see the one you love beyond all others in pain. When I try and turn the tables and imagine him with this, it’s heartbreaking. I still cannot imagine that I deserve a man so good to me, so clever and handsome and caring – that I could possibly deserve this much.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

But the thing that kills me – and I had no idea at the time – organising the wedding was this awesome time of discovery. Of learning who we, the couple were – and, for me, learning who I was. I’d always just been who people wanted me to be, knowing that it wasn’t really me and feeling uncomfortable with it underneath, deep in my subconscious. But the wedding suddenly shone this big light on it, and let me be the creative, colourful, slightly eccentric person that I’d always been hiding underneath. I came out of my shell and basked, briefly in the glow of it all, knowing that I was safe in the love of my other half and whatever I did would be accepted on the day because no one causes that big a deal on someone’s wedding day if they think she is wearing a funny hat, you know?

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

So who am I now? Somehow I am too tired, without a big goal, to continue to wear the hat, and in too much pain to do much more than keep the housework up to date and make everyone’s tea and ferry all these people around when I can. I have no independent means of transport (and shanks pony is unreliable). I am coming to terms with the idea that I will never be a lighting designer up a ladder again, or dance the night away without paying the price horribly the next day. I think I’m getting round to mourning my health these days, and to the realisation that somewhere in all this – this becoming involved with Dave, and the kids, and my body giving up on being good - I have lost me. And it makes me sad.

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

And I think I’ve realised that I need to sort it out, and actually do something about it and find me again somewhere in all of this mess before it all gets too late and I’ve screwed things up. Because I do not want to screw things up. I want things to be brilliant, and I want to live my life, not exist it. And I know that this is something that I need to do myself, not that anyone else can do for me. Because as much as others want to fix me, and I want to be fixed, there is only one person who can turn this grey fog around into something better – and that is me. I don’t know where to start at the moment, and I’m feeling all a bit lost and confused and muddled, but I know that I want to start, and that is a lot closer than I’ve been for a long while.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

PS: If you’ve never heard this song – click here

Grace in Small Things: 76 of 365

1. Esme sat all curled up and settled purring on my lap as I worked



2. Mozz getting online on MSN to talk to



3. Bertie getting my attention and saying hello by stretching up his paw into my face and touching my nose, all with claws in – felt like a little gentle “are you alright?” rather than the usual “wake up! Love me!”



4. The Glads in the living room are even more in bloom, and, if possible, even prettier!



5. The view out of Lotties window- you can just see out whilst stood on the bed right over St Catherines hill and the downs…

Grace in Small Things: 75 of 365

1. Having a shower in the morning and not worrying about whether I had enough warm water, or scalding myself. First time since Friday – you don’t realise how good something is till you miss it!



2. The lovely Gladioli that Dave bought me the other day coming into bloom



3. Coming in to work to find posts from all three of my favourite bloggers in my RSS feed



4. Sitting on my sofa, crossed legged facing Mozz and talking like we used to when I lived in the flat…



5. Wearing my Dad’s jumper that he left behind yesterday. Snuggly.

Grace in Small Things: 74 of 365

1. Dad coming over for tea



2. Hot water in our house again – whoop!



3. Seeing Mum looking so well



4. Being married to the most awesome Mozz in the world



5. Bertie being so excited to see me when I came home that he had a little cat fart in with all the purring!

Grace in Small Things: 73 of 365

1. Being woken up, breifly, by a bacon sarnie and latte in bed



2. Dozing in bed till 1pm (:o0 I know! I was so tired though, and feel like I've caught up a little now)



3. Bertie having a secret love in with me



4. The silence of an empty house, beig able to hear the birds singing



5. Being married to a Mozz. I love him so much - he's just spectacularly lovely and brilliant and sexy. :o)

Grace in Small Things: 72 of 365

1. The Lady in Nero's telling me how pretty she thought my dress was



2. Wearing my pretty dress, big sunglasses and headscarf in the style of Grace Kelly with the top down in the car



3. Getting both radiators safely back on their respective walls - securely



4. Seeing Tony and him being lovely



5. Putting my own rib back - ahhh...

Grace in Small Things: 71 of 365

1. Walking home just in vest top and jeans with the sun warm on my skin



2. Giggling at the ending of Kung Fu Panda - it's just like me and Dave in bed at night!



3. Coming home to the cool calm that Magic Janet (tm) manages to instill in our house.



4. Fi saying that she misses me!



5. Discovering that we have a swift's nest under our eves, and seeing the birds swoop back and forth

Grace in Small Things: 70 of 365

1. Toffee Toffee Flapjack Pie - the name, the higgledy piggledy look, the taste. Made me smile just to see it in the shop!



2. Nice chap from Tribal helping me and offering extra help unpaid



3. Snuggling up with Mozz on the sofa knowing I did right



4. Feeling a little bit like work might be ok



5. Skinny Latte with cinamon sprinkles on top!

Grace in Small Things: 69 of 365

1. Talking to mum of the phone and hearing her feel so much better



2. Mozz's first company invoice has been paid - hurrah!



3. Putting my fabric stash away in drawers, looking at the shiny and feeling happy



4. Tunnock bars. Ate far too many, but loved them!



5. The satisfaction of creating a really neat seam between the lining of a dress and the zip

Grace in Small Things: 68 of 365

1. Seeing a blackbird with a strawberry, valliantly attempting to half carry it and half eat it



2. Hopefully sorting out my UCAS connection issue at work... fingers crossed...



3. Cuddling with Bertie curled up on Lottie's bed



4. Matching underwear



5. Floopy sleeves on my top

Today (well, last night) was harder than it should have been. I've struggled the last few days after having such an awesome Saturday (day 65) it's all been a bit downhill. I'm paying hard for having such an out and about day, and I'm cross about it, and feeling rather down in the dumps in general. It's still very useful to be doing this I think - I have time to sit and think good, happy thoughts every day rather than letting myself wallow horribly for weeks! Over 2 months now, how pleasing :)

Grace in Small Things: 67 of 365

1. Opening my eyes first thing to see a mug of coffee in a thermos flask that Dave had left for me at about 6.30 am so I can have coffee before I get out of bed. Have I mentioned that my husband is one of the most amazing men ever?



2. Writing a slightly arty diary entry that I've been trying to get out for a while.



3. Mum's Biscotti. Mmmm...



4. Bertie all curled up like a small furry cat shaped baby in my arms (by choice!) purring away



5. Feeling the silky soft fur of my new bear as I stroke his head (yes, the same bear, still. I think he was a good move!)

Grace in Small Things: 66 of 365

1. Watching Footloose sat on the sofa curled up with Dave



2. Being married to a Mozz. It never fails to fill me with this overwhelming sense of glee and surprise!



3. Having a lie in



4. Lots of new storage space to put my things in, everything will have a home! How exciting!



5. Taking my old clothes that don't fit that have been sat in bags on the floor for ages to the recycling point. They went to Scope, and that makes me feel good, as there were some lovely bits in there.

Grace in Small Things: 65 of 365

1. Our little trip to Ikea went well, we got lots of exciting things and without argument/recourse to divorce. Sweet.



2. Seeing lovely Penny and talking about shows



3. Living in such a lovely town. Seriously, Winchester rocks - and it is incredibly pretty to boot!



4. Giggling at the man with the Jellied eels



5. My sister being nice, and normal, not her usual frenetic confusing self

Grace in Small Things: 64 of 365

1. Crossing more htings off of lists



2. Having a soak in the bath and lovely smelling cream after



3. Greek yoghurt with Honey



4. The smell of clean washing



5. Winning things on ebay!



6. Mum's good news from her Rheumatologist and magic injection :o)

Grace in Small Things: 63 of 365

1. Getting smart client deployed at work, finally!



2. Catching up with Mark on MSN :o)



3. Singing with Lou to old songs



4. Sudden and pleasing trip out for tea and cocktails with Mozz



5. Scoring a copy of Footloose from a student at work!

Grace in Small Things: 62 of 365

1. Speaking to Nickki on MSN and being properly back in touch



2. Getting Lottie's room a bit more sorted - almost there now...



3. Berties love in with me, a big purrly loving ball of cat



4. Mum making me feel less insane, and less alone



5. Playing Labyrynth with Lottie and Dave

Grace in Small Things: 61 of 365

1. Making anchor links work in my wiki entry at work



2. Emailing Nickki - feels like communicating



3. Sorting out our filing - another thing off the list



4. Hearing that Jack is coming back to Tribal



5. Esme's comedy hunting of a moth - diving through the shelf of the living room table!