I have been rather slack at updating this online, but my little note pad is up to date, I shall keep updating when I can till I’m back to where I’m supposed to be!
I have been off from the land of t’internet at a conference, and then at Dave’s mum’s. The conference went really well, I had a nice time seeing lots of people, being thought of as intelligent and physically not doing too bad either. I even managed some wine without feeling sick as I’d managed to hold off a bit on some of the tablets – hurrah!
The trip up to Dave’s mums, however, was less of a psychological success.
On numerous occasions I got left behind places and generally the fact that I’m not up to yomping about places was treated as if I was doing it on purpose to be difficult or awkward. No allowances were made for my creakiness, and this then caused tension because Dave then got cross because his brother and wife were making his wife feel like crap because she couldn’t keep up with an over energetic 4 year old. Or yomp at pace. Or get places as fast in the morning. Or stay up as late. I then felt bad that I was causing tension between them all and urgh. What a mess. I had felt all a bit pumped up about my success at the conference and my body’s ability to stick with it, and then to have this made me feel like I’d been run over by a steam roller. All my newly acquired self confidence vanished into dust, and I felt worse than I had done about my frustrating body than in a long time.
But, in light of this little trip, I am newly appreciative of all the people who do love me enough to slow down and make allowances. Like Dave, and the kids, who must temper much more of what they do with me and the speed that they do it at much more than I had kind of recognised. My work colleagues all walk at my pace when with me, and offer to get things from downstairs when I’m up in the office. My family do little bits and bobs like bring food when they come round for tea to help out, and on occasion my mum has helped me do cleaning and things.
I’m trying to think of this whole experience in a positive light – I’ve suddenly realised how many people actually do support me. There was a Chronic Babe blog carnival recently that focussed on who was in your “team” and I felt sad and lonely, and unable to join in, because it felt like my team only included Dave, Mum and Dad. But that’s not true at all. There are the kids, some of my work colleagues, the cats, Magic Janet the cleaner, Belle and Penny, my sisters’ friends who look in on me sometimes and after the cats when we’re away. My sister and her boyfriend are kind of on the edges but supportive when they can be as their lives are so mental themselves! There are the chronic babes, my WW ladies and my GP. My neighbours would help more if I could bring myself to ask (but I can’t – that’s my problem though!) and I have a wide network of friends that though I don’t see in person, do still think of me. So I guess this whole experience has been a learning one – I was less grateful than I thought, and more closed to the people who help me than I had thought. I am newly thankful, and will try to take time over the next week or so to tell these people how much I appreciate them. Because I really do.
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