Grace in Small Things: 265 of 365

1. New Beautiful tan high heeled boots - massively unpractical: utterly lovely.



2. Nice chaps in Timpsons looking after me and my boots



3. Lie in and a quiet sit on the sofa for 10 mins just me, my coffee and sunshine in the window



4. Arctic Roll! As 80's and comfortingly trashy as I remembered!



5. The effect that the new boots appear to have on Mozz...

Grace in Small Things: 264 of 365

1. Catkins on a tree



2. Beating Lottie at dancey game



3. Mozz hugging me from behind in the bathroom, with my eyes closed and our bodies all close - safe and comforting just when I needed it most



4. Knowing it's Friday evening and I get a lie in tomorrow



5. The sunrise this morning being spectacularly gorgeous

Grace in Small Things: 263 of 365

1. Mozz cooking my tea



2. Snuggling on the sofa with Mozz watching a film



3. Gary maybe being our new Lead Consultant for work - Eee!



4. Possible solution to my annoying problem at work



5. NHS being spectacularly good at looking after me

Grace in Small Things: 262 of 365

1. Mozz saying lovlely things to me when I was upset



2. Mum being lovely as ever



3. Kids announcing how delicious tea was, unprompted



4. Arctic roll arriving with the ocado man!



5. Mozz's thighs :o)

Grace in Small Things: 261 of 365

1. Lunch with Lovely Liz and Jeanette



2. Sunshine warm on my skin



3. Dozing under a blanket with pusscats



4. Sweet fresh crunch of mange tout in my curry



5. Bed.

Grace in Small Things: 260 of 365

1. Gossipy but productive meeting with Saffron



2. Kissing mozz when he got in



3. Nice ladies at the WI



4. Being better than Lottie at dancing (Shh, don't tell)



5. Bertie trying to eat my toes and love me to death in the morning

Grace in Small Things: 259 of 365

1. Seeing lovely messages in FB from Mrs Lee and Skip



2. Sat having a cup of tea and a cuddle with Mozz



3. Esme's paws twitching in her sleep



4. Getting to play my dancey game



5. Bath full to the brim of hot water

Stupidity: You’re not alone…

I’ve been thinking this week about the latest topic for the chronic babe blog carnival – the stupid things that people say about chronic illness. It’s interesting because there are so many of them – “you don’t look ill to me?!” being a fairly widespread one I think we’ve all received, or at least a variation on a theme! I think that sort of comment is mostly from people who aren’t thinking, or are surprised and don’t know quite what to say. I wonder if there is some sort of socially acceptable response to something like cancer “oh no – I’m so sorry” (though I suspect there are a number of stupid things people say about that instead!) whereas for invisible things people don’t quite know what to say. So they say the first thing that comes out of their mouths that’s supposed to sound consoling – “but you look good?”

Some of the things people say, however, verge on the offensive. I never quite know what to say to the people who think that perhaps if I just pray harder, or had been a better person God might not be punishing me. Yeah.

No.

I feel like I ought to share a little xkcd cartoon at this juncture, because it made me feel better:



I think the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said to me about my creaks was, disappointingly, a GP at my old practice (You may note I changed practices pretty soon after all this occurred!). I’d gone to see them a few times because I was so tired and hurt so much. I’d been sent for a blood test for anaemia, and it had come back clear. I was a tired and upset that I was being brushed off, and he said that they “often see these symptoms in teens and early twenties, and that I'd probably feel better when the summer came”.

I was a bit surprised and pointed out I was over 30 and this had been going on now about a year, and he sort of stuttered a little and said it was clearly a sign I was young at heart. I thought - oh, f*ck off. And burst into tears. I pointed out I didn’t feel very young – I feel about sixty and I fall asleep every time I am sat still. He said, “there there”, and practically shoved me out the door into the waiting room, still in tears.

I went home somewhat disheartened. Things got worse. So I finally got up courage to go back to the doctors – a different one in the same practice - and said, in a nutshell “I know I’m not well. Refer me to someone who knows what they are doing. I have narrowed this down to be a rheumatologist, because you lot think I’m making it up. I have private insurance so you don’t even need to work out who fits in your budget - just write the bloody letter”. I don’t say those words *exactly*, obviously, I am a nice girl, but I wish I had because the man proceeded to made me cry, asked if I was having sex with Dave (At 8.10 in the morning!!!) and then announced that this confirmed that I was either making it up, or making a supreme effort.

The word I thought isn’t for the eyes of nice people. But I got my referral, and a diagnosis, and things improved in the end.

The thing is though, I don’t believe that the stupid things that people say are just aimed at those of us with chronic illness. I married a man with children, so I am officially a wicked stepmother. I look after them 7 days out of 14, and have been looking after them for half of the younger one’s life. I love them beyond measure and would do anything to make sure that they are safe, well and looked after. The idea that any of either of them might come to any harm makes me feel sick to my stomach. Even creaky I have arrived 20 metres down a swimming pool in seconds to drag one of them out from under the water with the biggest burst of adrenaline I have EVER experienced. And yet I’m treated like I know nothing about looking after kids (because I haven’t been looking after two for knocking on 6 years), and that I don’t love them. I regularly hear “you can’t possibly love them like a real parent, they aren’t yours”. You wouldn’t say that to someone who had adopted a child, why on earth is it ok to say it to me? I’m not a real parent because they don’t share my genes – yet I’m the one washing their clothes, helping with homework, ferrying to school and buses, sewing badges on kit, tucking them in at night and talking to them about periods. I make their packed lunches and rearrange my work schedule so I can be home when they are. Even Dave’s ex-wife appreciates the amount I do for them; yet onlookers (including close friends) cannot see past the fact that I did not give birth to them. They think that my relationship with the kids is worth nothing, and that I do nothing for them; that they are just some sort of accessory to Dave.

I’m fairly certain, that you, reading this will be going “what nonsense!”. But I wonder if you’ve ever seen a step mum at the school gate, or in a circle of friends and dismissed her. I think I may have been guilty of this myself in the past as a child – it’s what we’re brought up on, a diet of Disneyfied cackling wicked stepmothers , Brothers Grimm tales and J Lo being a step monster.

I know I’ve gone off on a bit of a side track here – but I think it’s worth pondering. I think that we feel we are alone in having stupid things said to us – but I suspect people say stupid things to all sorts of people about all sorts of things, and in every room there will be at least one person who hasn’t thought through what is coming out of their mouth at some point. There are stupid people everywhere saying stupid things: we just happen to hear the ones that affect us. What is harder sometimes is to remember to hear the things people say that aren’t stupid – the people who really matter and care for us rarely say the unthinking things. My new GP trusts my words and believes me, and looks after me as much she can. Dave carries me up the stairs when I can’t make it on my own – sickness and in health. The kids tell me they love me, and think the world of me. And those are the things that matter.

Grace in Small Things: 258 of 365

1. Delicious food at Beas of Bloomsbury



2. Seeing lovely Emma



3. Barmen flirting with me- nice to feel like I've still got it!



4. Mozz smelling sexy all day in his snuggly jumper



5. Beautiful stuffed vine leaves - the RIGHT sort. Mmmmm...

Grace in Small Things: 257 of 365

1. Hotshots Part Deux



2. Accidental detour to Plain and Fancy with my sister



3. Cocktails cutting through the grinding fog of the week like vinegar through grease



4. Esme snuggled all snoozy on my lap as we watched Hustle



5. Getting excited about seeing Em tomorrow

Grace in Small Things: 256 of 365

1. Watching brand new Phil and Kirstie on TV snuggled up in Mozz's arms



2. Eating chocolate spread by the spoonful from the Jar



3. Wearing my new blouse and feeling foxy



4. Esme snuggles on top of me on top mine and Mozz snuggles



5. Wearing Mozz's cuff links and thinking of him every time I saw or touched them

Grace in Small Things: 255 of 365

1. Lottie's school shoes arriving and fitting



2. Dave sending over brilliant documentation saving me tonnes of work



3. Esme snuggles cheering me up



4. Knowing that after tomorrow I'll e semi rid of my spreadsheet



5. Listening to Different Class and remembering almost all the words

Grace in Small Things: 254 of 365

1. Bertie pouncing on ribbon



2. Seeing lovely Penny who always smells so nice



3. Mozz thinking about my spoons and not drinking so I could go out



4. Knowing I’m at home tomorrow



5. Snuggling under blanket on sofa with my heat pad

Grace in Small Things: 253 of 365

1. Oli helping unload the dishwasher, unprompted, mid xbox game!



2. getting something working at work



3. Cinnamon in my coffee



4. Text from Emma



5. Mozz doing a little dance for me to make a 5th thing for today’s list – I love that man :o)

Grace in Small Things: 252 of 365

1. Sitting sewing in the sun



2. Delicious roast lamb



3. Custard



4. Esme laying all cute on my lap



5. Finishing a duku with my coffee

Grace in Small Things: 251 of 365

1. Scoring the dress I’ve had my eye on for over 9 months in the sale for under half price :o)



2. Getting all Lottie’s bits for camp sorted way ahead of time



3. Chocolate Orange Curd, eaten by the spoonful from the jar



4. Esme snuggles, all through the day



5. Bertie snuggling both me and Lottie on her bed - stealing both alpha cat’s girls!

Grace in Small Things: 250 of 365

1. Finally being productive and achieving order at work, breifly



2. Lovely Jools from reception coming to kiss me and say hello when she saw me in the dark this morning



3. Melody Gardot sounding beautiful on my fabulous new earphonesfor my ipod



4. Common People by Pulp first thing. Never ever fails to make me smile, that song



5. Oli helping me sort tea out, and worrying over my cut finger

Grace in Small Things: 249 of 365

1. Lottie saying how thin she thinks I am



2. Coffee with Xilyn in Costa at the hospital



3. Mum being pleased



4. Nick Knowles saving the world and being lovely on TV



5. Lovely tweets at me!

Grace in Small Things: 248 of 365

1. Joining Twitter and people speaking to me on it!



2. Stargazing being absolutely brilliant again – Prof. Brian Cox is just fascinating. If he’d taught me science things, the arts wouldn’t have stood a chance!



3. Little Cat massage from Esme



4. Pretty flowers arriving



5. The Ocado man being super nice to moe – more than usual

Grace in Small Things: 247 of 365

1. The nurse in rheumatology being utterly charming, lovely and making me feel better



2. The rheumatologist listening and being interested in trying to help me



3. Curling up with Kirstie, Phil, Esme and a hot chocolate



4. Domestic Sluttery returning after the Christmas break



5. Realising that now I have a shirt that requires cufflinks, I can own the beautiful ones I’ve been drooling over for months that are just too pretty/girly for Mozz all for myself! I’ve got an excuse!

Grace in Small Things: 246 of 365

1. Strolling arm in arm with Mozz feeling chilled



2. Getting into lots of jobs done early



3. Clean bed sheets



4. Watching the Stargazing program on telly – Dara O’Brien and Brian Cox being silly and incredibly clever together



5. Mozz’s happiness at his new gadget

Grace in Small Things: 245 of 365

1. Having a bit of a sort out and recycling clothes



2. Reading Simon’s Cat books in bed with Mozz



3. Getting out of the house



4. Liking my newly swapped shirt better than the old one



5. A new telly program I like :o)

Grace in Small Things: 244 of 365

1. My dad loving me so much



2. Reading an entire book in the bath



3. Bertie snuggles when Mozz isn’t looking



4. Being able to not do much for a day



5. Finding a 10% off Lush voucher!

Grace in Small Things: 243 of 365

1. Having my family and Penny all snuggled in the living room in the warm



2. Jools Holland being daft as ever



3. Drinking coffee with Mozz after doing our shop



4. Being loved.



5. Having two lovely pusscats



6. Getting nice messages from unexpected people

New Year!

Every year, around this time, I sit and have a little ponder about the coming year. I usually wind up with a few resolutions – lose weight/keep the weight off, be nicer to myself and try to hold on to my marbles. That sort of thing. When I was younger, get a boyfriend used to be on the list, but now I’m married that seems a bit excessive!

This year, however, I’ve been thinking less about resolutions and more about what I’d like to try and do differently. The things that have floated to the top of my consciousness are all a bit different to usual – much less measurable, but probably things that will be better for me in the long run.

1. I am going to try and dress more smartly. I work in an office where it’s acceptable to show up in tracksuit bottoms (or at least, one member of staff thinks so, and no one has told him otherwise) and my standard of dress is slipping increasingly into jeans and a jumper every day. Nothing wrong with that, but I feel better about myself when I’m dressed smarter. My self-esteem and confidence goes up – and the higher my heels the more I feel like I can conquer the world. I’m 5 11” in flats, and the boys I work with are all about 5 8”. They don’t know my brain is full of fog half the time and I’m not letting on as I’m still better at my work than they are. After all, as the song says – you can be as brave as you make believe you are!



2. I am going to try and ease off with the perfectionism. I’m not going to be able to completely let go on this front because it’ a huge part of who I am, but I’m going to work harder at not being so mean to myself when I can’t achieve everything. I’m not up to it, and beating myself up about something can’t physically achieve does not help my health. I guess this is part of a bigger aim…
   


3. Acceptance. The holy grail of those with health conditions. I need to get better at working with my body, rather than against it. I think I’ve got a bit better over the last year, but I think it might need to improve some more! I also suspect that I could use the spoons I do have more wisely – less on ex wives and politics at work and more on looking after myself, the kids and Dave, and trying new things to ake me feel better. Including preparing more for appointments…
   


4. Socialising – I need to say “yes with a caveat” more, and “no - just in case” less. I’ve proved, mostly, that I can make more things than I think I can, and the people I see now tend to be ones who’ve either met me post creaks or love me through them. I am who I am and I still love company. My friends that are left don’t mind too much that I’m flakey.
   


5. Work – I’m going to attempt to not let the nonsense there get to me so much. I need to separate some of the emotion and energy from what I do at work and focus it elsewhere – not entirely sure where else it’s going to go just at the moment but as circumstances dictate that I can’t leave my job, I need to find a way to make things there better. A work in progress!
   

None of these things are particularly measurable, but I think they seem to be good things to aim for. I shall endeavour to apply the 2nd one to all of these as well – if I don’t succeed, there is always next year….