One Tired Day

I am so tired.

My eyes are a bit blurry, and my body feels like it has been switched for a lead cast. I can't focus enough to see the keys or the words on the screen clearly as I type this. It makes me grateful that I can touch type.

I am supposed to be working, and my to do list at work has scaled two whole sides of A4. I don't feel particularly concerned that I'm not, because to be frank, I can't really see or think coherently. I haven't even taken the painkillers yet, and I can feel them coming if my hands continue to ratchet up the pain scale that they are experimenting with.

This weekend, I cried. I curled up on the bed and cried into Mozz's t-shirt, leaving a seeping round dark patch. I am just so tired of hurting. I have forgotten how it feels now to not be in pain, somewhere, all the time. This is the most soul crushing thing to realise. It is almost like a door closing somewhere behind me - another turn around another corner that I can't go back round.

I'm still no closer to getting a diagnosis back. I had my first one taken away, and now I'm back in limbo, buying increasingly expensive creams to try and combat the stupid rash on my face and increasingly difficult and multitudinous physio exercises and Pilates sessions. I am grasping at straws, because these things will not help my hands or feet, but I am told they may help my hips, and back. And possibly help me stop dislocating ribs and things. So I plough on, unable to join a class with the big girls because I can't get my legs to move in the way it turns out they are supposed to. Who knew it could be so different from my day to day movements.

Every time I can't do something, I feel more and more a freak. When I finally get excited because I can lift my leg off the ground, everyone around me looks confused, or shows me the things that they can do way beyond that. I feel like shouting - IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN DO! I'VE ACHIEVED SO MUCH! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE PLEASED FOR ME??!!

I'm trying very hard to not be so down about things at the moment. I have a huge number of things to be happy and grateful for. I had a lovely week on holiday, where I almost caught up with myself and felt a little bit less tired for a while. I have friends who increasingly are happy to help me, physically and mentally. I have a gorgeous, supportive husband, two calming furballs and a pair of blonde angels who love me. In the big picture, I'm happy. In the small, today picture, I want to curl up on the sofa with a blanket and some mindless nonsense (be that in book, film or TV form) and just rest. I don't want to be here at work, at my uncomfortable desk in my unfriendly office. I want to have a little cry and a snuggle with a cat, or even a bear.

In short, I don't feel up to being here, and wish I'd called in. All I can see, stretching ahead of me in the distance are things that need doing, and no real pause for the rest I really need to keep up my spoon count.

At least tomorrow is a working at home day. I might not get dressed for the ocado man.