New Year, New List

It seems that another year has whizzed past me, and I’m not entirely sure where it went. I feel a little bit like I spent a lot of this last year bouncing between or waiting uncertainly between specialist appointments, and like a big chunk of it was spent on pause. It’s been a funny year in lots of respects, and I’m not sure that I feel particularly like marking the passage into a new period of time just at the moment. It doesn’t feel like a new beginning in the way that some other years have. I feel mid cycle rather than start/end – though to be honest, new year never really quite means all that much to me. Years of desperately disappointing parties and lists of resolutions that looked like this have rather left me cold over the years.

1. Lose weight


2. Find a boyfriend


3. Kiss him


4. Become amazing.

Over the years, this list has morphed, and I did sort of ok against last years list here - quick reprise:

1. Dress more smartly: I did well at this for half the year. And then it went a bit Pete. I got tired. But now I have a new jacket and have been trying again of late, so I think I can count this as a tick.


2. Easing off with the perfectionism: Yeah. No. Must try harder. Oh, the irony!


3. Acceptance: I think a 50/50 split on this, some days yes, some days no.


4. Socialising – specifically saying “yes with a caveat” more, and “no - just in case” less. I think I did this much better than all the other things on my list, and I think it has been a much more pleasant year for it!


5. Not letting the nonsense at work get to me: Epic failure here.

So, to this years set of aims. I’m not fond of definitive SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time constrained) goals and resolutions, as I feel dreadful when I don’t meet them, and at this time of year, I tend to feel a bit of a failure when I haven’t achieved them. I think this upcoming list is kind of why I feel unready and sad about the coming year.

1. Lose weight. I screwed up this year. I became so tired and confused with things that I have managed to put on over a stone and a half in 6 months. This pisses me off, having worked bloody hard over years to lose 76½lbs. And kept it off for 4 years. And then, this year I just, oh, I am so cross with myself. No. Not cross-disappointed. See number 2 above. I need to sort this out. My body can’t handle this extra weight these days, it hurts. I hate having this back on the bloody list of things to do, it makes me angry and feel like I’m back at school (though I have kissed a boy now. And married him. So that one’s safe – I don’t need a boyfriend on top, far too knackered for that sort of nonsense!) and entirely why I think I don’t want to write this post, and make new years resolutions. I am sulking.
   
   What a grumpy post I am turning this into. Must try harder.
   


2. Remove myself from my current employment (or learn to care less). It seems that I’m not very good at detaching myself from all the nonsense going on – partly because the nonsense changes flavour so regularly – so I think it is better to escape. No idea how this will pan out. I am sending positive thoughts to the ether for someone who wants a very adaptable, very willing lass for 4 days a week in the Winchester area for IT or organisational based activities for a handsome salary. Flexible hours and understanding of health issues preferred. My mum says that it is best to articulate your wishes clearly to the universe. I am happy and grateful for my new job. Thank you. (And if anyone wants to employ me, drop me a line. Ta).
   


3. I will attempt to put myself a bit higher up the pecking order of things. I need to stop sorting everyone else out first, and put on my own virtual oxygen mask first a bit more often. I was struck as we were flying home from our holiday and were doing their “exits here, here and here, pull sharply on the toggle to inflate, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else” business that this makes perfect sense. If I’m poorly, I can’t look after everyone else. If I’m sub par, I am doing a sub par job for everyone else. I’m letting others down by letting myself down. So I should start looking after myself more, and making that more of a priority.



4. Ease off on the perfectionism. I’ll try again, I think on this one! Very Good Enough, as opposed to best/perfect. Fingers crossed.

I’m hoping that 2012 will bring helpful specialists, some answers and less creaks. I am hoping that work out what’s going on and how to manage it. I’m feeling pretty hopeful on this front – January alone brings an MRI and two GP appointments, so fingers crossed for that, and having been referred to a specialist clinic I’m excited (heavens, my life!) to go to that and solve some mysteries. I’m fairly positive and think that maybe this year will be the year I get settled at least a routine of how to feel better.

And on that vastly more cheerful note, I wish you all a very happy New Year. I wish you health, wealth and happiness, and all the joy you can handle.