New Year, New List

It seems that another year has whizzed past me, and I’m not entirely sure where it went. I feel a little bit like I spent a lot of this last year bouncing between or waiting uncertainly between specialist appointments, and like a big chunk of it was spent on pause. It’s been a funny year in lots of respects, and I’m not sure that I feel particularly like marking the passage into a new period of time just at the moment. It doesn’t feel like a new beginning in the way that some other years have. I feel mid cycle rather than start/end – though to be honest, new year never really quite means all that much to me. Years of desperately disappointing parties and lists of resolutions that looked like this have rather left me cold over the years.

1. Lose weight


2. Find a boyfriend


3. Kiss him


4. Become amazing.

Over the years, this list has morphed, and I did sort of ok against last years list here - quick reprise:

1. Dress more smartly: I did well at this for half the year. And then it went a bit Pete. I got tired. But now I have a new jacket and have been trying again of late, so I think I can count this as a tick.


2. Easing off with the perfectionism: Yeah. No. Must try harder. Oh, the irony!


3. Acceptance: I think a 50/50 split on this, some days yes, some days no.


4. Socialising – specifically saying “yes with a caveat” more, and “no - just in case” less. I think I did this much better than all the other things on my list, and I think it has been a much more pleasant year for it!


5. Not letting the nonsense at work get to me: Epic failure here.

So, to this years set of aims. I’m not fond of definitive SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time constrained) goals and resolutions, as I feel dreadful when I don’t meet them, and at this time of year, I tend to feel a bit of a failure when I haven’t achieved them. I think this upcoming list is kind of why I feel unready and sad about the coming year.

1. Lose weight. I screwed up this year. I became so tired and confused with things that I have managed to put on over a stone and a half in 6 months. This pisses me off, having worked bloody hard over years to lose 76½lbs. And kept it off for 4 years. And then, this year I just, oh, I am so cross with myself. No. Not cross-disappointed. See number 2 above. I need to sort this out. My body can’t handle this extra weight these days, it hurts. I hate having this back on the bloody list of things to do, it makes me angry and feel like I’m back at school (though I have kissed a boy now. And married him. So that one’s safe – I don’t need a boyfriend on top, far too knackered for that sort of nonsense!) and entirely why I think I don’t want to write this post, and make new years resolutions. I am sulking.
   
   What a grumpy post I am turning this into. Must try harder.
   


2. Remove myself from my current employment (or learn to care less). It seems that I’m not very good at detaching myself from all the nonsense going on – partly because the nonsense changes flavour so regularly – so I think it is better to escape. No idea how this will pan out. I am sending positive thoughts to the ether for someone who wants a very adaptable, very willing lass for 4 days a week in the Winchester area for IT or organisational based activities for a handsome salary. Flexible hours and understanding of health issues preferred. My mum says that it is best to articulate your wishes clearly to the universe. I am happy and grateful for my new job. Thank you. (And if anyone wants to employ me, drop me a line. Ta).
   


3. I will attempt to put myself a bit higher up the pecking order of things. I need to stop sorting everyone else out first, and put on my own virtual oxygen mask first a bit more often. I was struck as we were flying home from our holiday and were doing their “exits here, here and here, pull sharply on the toggle to inflate, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else” business that this makes perfect sense. If I’m poorly, I can’t look after everyone else. If I’m sub par, I am doing a sub par job for everyone else. I’m letting others down by letting myself down. So I should start looking after myself more, and making that more of a priority.



4. Ease off on the perfectionism. I’ll try again, I think on this one! Very Good Enough, as opposed to best/perfect. Fingers crossed.

I’m hoping that 2012 will bring helpful specialists, some answers and less creaks. I am hoping that work out what’s going on and how to manage it. I’m feeling pretty hopeful on this front – January alone brings an MRI and two GP appointments, so fingers crossed for that, and having been referred to a specialist clinic I’m excited (heavens, my life!) to go to that and solve some mysteries. I’m fairly positive and think that maybe this year will be the year I get settled at least a routine of how to feel better.

And on that vastly more cheerful note, I wish you all a very happy New Year. I wish you health, wealth and happiness, and all the joy you can handle.

One Lucky Girl

As an English Rose, I don’t celebrate thanksgiving, but recently I’ve been thinking quite a lot about the things and people that I’m grateful for. I’ve been having a pretty sketchy patch of late, more emotionally than physically and it’s become apparent to me how many people I have who love and support me, in varying different ways. I am one lucky girl.

At work, my colleagues are pretty unthinking in general, but they have kind of accepted my slowness and creakiness as just me, and slow down to walk alongside without thinking – something I forget about until I go elsewhere with other people who don’t. Two of them are brilliant however – our office is up a flight of stairs that I really struggle with, and whenever they go down they always check if I need anything like printing or water. They help me with the fog in a really nice way that never makes me feel patronised when I lose my train of thought, and sometimes will help me untangle things by just talking through a problem with me. One has become an expert in translating the hand gestures and descriptions of words that I’ve lost, and the other has become my biggest cheerleader for making sure that I don’t overdo it – at a recent meeting about my reduction of hours at work, she said that she would much rather have me at work 4 days and well than 5 and ill, and that SHE would take matters further if they tried to make me go back full time. I am lucky to have two such lovely people looking out for me in the pile of crap that comes with my work – and it is so nice to have such shiny gems of people in amongst the darkness that it brings sometimes.

I’ve also recently been looked after in much more physical ways by another work person – not my usual work but a thing I do on the side once a year. I’d overdone it massively and he helped me by lifting me up rather than me having to try and clamber into and out of the van, and by hiding this from my other co-workers, knowing how much it would hurt my pride if they knew what a state I was in. I felt terribly vulnerable and afraid, and he was a gent and a star. He made doing something I love possible, where otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to. The idea of not doing this thing had had me in floods of tears the previous week, so he helped me not give in to the creaks, and I am eternally grateful for his help – and the discreet, non-patronising easy way it came.

I’m very thankful as well to live in the town where I do – it is a beautiful place with fabulous architecture, friendly people and really helpful local businesses and tradesmen. Whenever I go away and come back I am reminded how lovely it is – and when I come back from London for example I am grateful for the slower tempo accompanied by the arty, eccentric accepting vibe, the clean air and the astonishing views from it’s many hills.

I’m grateful for my family’s health, and the fabulous work that our NHS does. It gets a bit of a bashing sometimes, but without it, my mum would be dead, my dad and sister would be in constant agony with prolapsed discs, my grandma’s broken hips would have been prohibitively expensive and I would not have had access to the lovely team of specialists that I have been to see. My physio in particular has been inspirational and life-changingly helpful, and without the NHS I would never have seen her. I also am thankful for the men and women campaigning to keep the duty of care clause in that is currently going through the house of lords – my fingers and toes are crossed that we can amend Lansley’s plans to stealth privatise my beloved NHS. At this point in time I wouldn’t get private health insurance, so without them I’d be screwed.

I’m thankful for my two furry companions, who curl up with me when I am in pain and who never fail to make me feel better when I feel sad. I’m grateful for the kids, and the joy that they bring to my life – I’m not sure that I could have had any of my own and I am loving watching them mature and grow into young adults from the little blonde angels (at least visually!) that they used to be. I am thankful for the internet, the support and the friendships that it has bought me: people who I think of as my closest friends live in different countries and at the other end of my own. People I would never have met and people who have offered me comfort and support at various times in my life, in ways that would have been impossible in person sometimes.

But above all, I’m beyond grateful for my husband – I can’t even put into words how understanding, caring, loving and forgiving that man is. We didn’t actually say in sickness and in health in our marriage vows – but blimey, did he mean it. He supports me in everything – we are a team, and my reduced capacity to do the physical stuff hasn’t made a blind bit of difference to him. In fact – I think often I’m the only one who notices, let alone cares. I am incredibly lucky to have such a rock of a man by my side – my best friend, partner in crime and teammate. Whatever I did to get blessed with him, it must have been something pretty amazing!

Whistle a Happy Tune

I’ve been aware for many years now, long before I got ill, that I present a different front, a different personality to different groups of friends, colleagues, professionals. It’s easy to be who they want me to be because being myself has never worked smoothly, and because the different groups are so different and I take care to not let them cross this has always been fairly easy to maintain (apart from at large parties, where I used to just get tired!)

Of late though, it’s become increasingly clear that I’ve got more and more of my game face on to the world, full stop. I appear to be functioning well outside my home, my colleagues have no idea how much pain I am in on a day to day basis, or how off my head I am on opiate based painkillers (probably for the best that) some of the time. More alarmingly recently was when I discovered that my friends DIDN’T REALISE that I was in pain, all the time. They thought maybe I was a bit achey now and again. One of them told me I should just man up and get on with it, before I told him exactly how much pain I have been for how long. I’ve forgotten how it feels to not be in pain.

They had no idea.

I juggle work and a complicated home life, and I keep going and I am afraid to let my guard down. I can’t let other people see that I am like a swan, gliding along the surface with my flippers going like buggery underneath. I can’t let anyone see, because one of the people I am fooling with this maestro performance is myself. I can’t give up this appearance and let the whole thing go, because if I do, it might start to actually slide. Underneath is a girl desperate to stop, to curl up under a blanket, to sleep and rest and take time for herself, to cry and wail and eat nothing but custard, biscuits and coffee. That can’t happen, so I will continue, as Anna in the King and I, to Whistle a Happy Tune.


Make believe you’re brave
And the trick wil take you far
You can be a brave
As you make believe you are

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo!

This last week or so, I have been round another loop of will I won’t I get a diagnosis. Is there a fix? What have I got? What does this mean? I’ve wound up with half a diagnosis of something that makes no real difference, and sent back round another loop of specialists again for the mystery guest condition.

If I could have one perfect gift this week, I would ask for a magic wand. I would magic myself a diagnosis, and I would then also make it one that had a fix. I would enchant a way of making myself feel better, making my life more normal, making things more like they used to be before.

I know this isn’t very likely however. So I will settle for going around another round of blood tests and poking and prodding and being made to feel like a medical oddity, or a tiresome mystery, hoping and praying that this time we get an answer, and it’s something that can be managed. I want to feel better so badly, and this recent round of diagnosis but no diagnosis has left me a little bit heartbroken. I would love, so badly to not feel like this again.

Failing that, I would like a pair of cashmere socks. Winter is heading our way, and I think toasty soft toes might be nice :o)

One Tired Day

I am so tired.

My eyes are a bit blurry, and my body feels like it has been switched for a lead cast. I can't focus enough to see the keys or the words on the screen clearly as I type this. It makes me grateful that I can touch type.

I am supposed to be working, and my to do list at work has scaled two whole sides of A4. I don't feel particularly concerned that I'm not, because to be frank, I can't really see or think coherently. I haven't even taken the painkillers yet, and I can feel them coming if my hands continue to ratchet up the pain scale that they are experimenting with.

This weekend, I cried. I curled up on the bed and cried into Mozz's t-shirt, leaving a seeping round dark patch. I am just so tired of hurting. I have forgotten how it feels now to not be in pain, somewhere, all the time. This is the most soul crushing thing to realise. It is almost like a door closing somewhere behind me - another turn around another corner that I can't go back round.

I'm still no closer to getting a diagnosis back. I had my first one taken away, and now I'm back in limbo, buying increasingly expensive creams to try and combat the stupid rash on my face and increasingly difficult and multitudinous physio exercises and Pilates sessions. I am grasping at straws, because these things will not help my hands or feet, but I am told they may help my hips, and back. And possibly help me stop dislocating ribs and things. So I plough on, unable to join a class with the big girls because I can't get my legs to move in the way it turns out they are supposed to. Who knew it could be so different from my day to day movements.

Every time I can't do something, I feel more and more a freak. When I finally get excited because I can lift my leg off the ground, everyone around me looks confused, or shows me the things that they can do way beyond that. I feel like shouting - IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN DO! I'VE ACHIEVED SO MUCH! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE PLEASED FOR ME??!!

I'm trying very hard to not be so down about things at the moment. I have a huge number of things to be happy and grateful for. I had a lovely week on holiday, where I almost caught up with myself and felt a little bit less tired for a while. I have friends who increasingly are happy to help me, physically and mentally. I have a gorgeous, supportive husband, two calming furballs and a pair of blonde angels who love me. In the big picture, I'm happy. In the small, today picture, I want to curl up on the sofa with a blanket and some mindless nonsense (be that in book, film or TV form) and just rest. I don't want to be here at work, at my uncomfortable desk in my unfriendly office. I want to have a little cry and a snuggle with a cat, or even a bear.

In short, I don't feel up to being here, and wish I'd called in. All I can see, stretching ahead of me in the distance are things that need doing, and no real pause for the rest I really need to keep up my spoon count.

At least tomorrow is a working at home day. I might not get dressed for the ocado man.

Summer Sun, Something's Begun...

Spurred on by the latest chronic babe blog carnival prompt, I’ve been thinking about my plans for the summer. Mostly I’d like to be more organised, but there are too many external factors for that I think!

Generally of late though, I’ve been feeling the need to try and spring clean. Not particularly my house (I gave up on that sort of thing some time ago) but my life and my mind.

It started when I started to think about cutting my hours at work from five days a week to four – I realised that I couldn’t carry on the way I had been, which necessitated a change in the way that I was thinking. I need to unstick some of the patterns in my head that were/are stuck going round in a big negative whirl – all the stuff about not being good enough and not achieving and the frustration that comes with that because I’m not acknowledging me, now. My mind is stuck 10 years ago in some weird place I didn’t like at the time, and still don’t!

So my tentative plan for this summer is to be nice to me. To be gentle to myself – but also to try and stand up a bit more for what I would like, and what is helpful to me and my health. Constantly rolling over because I don’t want a fight conserves energy in the short term but makes me feel pretty rubbish longer term and that isn’t helping, given that often I end up doing things I know I don’t have enough spoons for, and that stress makes my health worse!

So to that end, I have developed a little plan. A little list of things that I’m going to start doing that should hopefully put me on the path to feeling better about stuff.

1) I am going to find as many vouchers as I can for spas - and use the things. There’s nothing like complete relaxation and sitting very still for a bit to make all the bad things float away.

2) I am going to start trying to be more aware of my thoughts and my feelings about things. If I can notice when I start to think the weird things, perhaps I will be on the route to stopping thinking them!

3) I am going to investigate, sign up to and start going to a Pilates class. The physio says I should. The OT says it might help. The WW ladies think so too, from a different angle. Everyone says that it will be good for me, but I’ve been resisting ages now and I don’t really know why. It is a silly fear and I should just get on with it!

4) I will chase (and hopefully get) my appointment with the geneticist. Tired of having half a label that may not be mine now, I want to go back to knowing one thing or another.

5) I am going to make Dave and the kids understand the difference between “on” and “in” the dishwasher. It’s so close and it makes such a difference!

6) I am going to enjoy my holiday to Cornwall and I am going to breathe in the cold (I live in England!) salty air on the coast, and it will fix me. It will feel like going home and the crashing of the waves will make me feel peaceful inside. I will sunbathe in coats under blankets, and introduce the kids to hedgehog ice creams (Imagine an ice cream cone with Cornish clotted cream ice cream, smothered in clotted cream, rolled in hazelnuts. Heart attack territory, but the best thing you’ve ever eaten!). I will sneakily drink from the stream that I’m not supposed to because it tastes of childhood holidays. I will have baths and let Dave cook. I will take piles of books with me that I will fall asleep half way through. I will, in short, relax.

7) I will also clean my fridge. Small things.

I’ve just realised what a really random list that is – back and forth all over the place. Mostly though, I’m going to try to be happier, and as healthy as I can be.

Third Person Singular

It’s been drawn to my attention that I regularly refer to my body in the third person.

“I don’t think my body is going to be up to that”

“My stupid body isn’t working today”

“I wish my body wasn’t so creaky”

I’m not sure when I developed this tendency. It’s like I’ve put it in a third person box because I don’t want to own up that this stuff is me. I can’t say “I’m not going to be able to” I can only manage a “My body won’t be able to”. I wonder if I have separated it so I don’t have to own up to how it behaves.

I also don’t really recognise it in the mirror, which I don’t think helps. I was already at this disconnected place where I didn’t recognise it in the mirror having shed 75lbs and 8 dress sizes. I still don’t see that smaller person (see, 3rd person view again) and then it stopped behaving. I feel let down by my body and I wonder how much I can’t see that I am thinner now because I don’t want to own this new hurty body. I almost have more problems now getting dressed than I used to – which is quite possibly ridiculous. It is rediculous, in fact. *sigh*

I wish I loved my body. I wish I could put it back into the first person. But I can’t. And I don’t understand why. I wish I wanted to inhabit it. My house. My shell. My skin. My body. Me. Other people can see it, love it – want it even…

But I don’t. I don’t want it I almost want the bigger, healthier me back. At least then my attitudes to it would make sense.

I don’t know how to reclaim my body. I’ve this nasty habit of splitting bits of me up to make things easier to handle, and it’s a dangerous trait. If I’m not careful I’ll end up with an odd split personality again. It already shows in my wardrobe, a different, older, more ingrained split, admittedly, but still. I need to not split any more. I’m not sure I can be three people at once, and stay sane. Only, I wouldn’t be, would I, because I would be me, her and my body. Two plus a vessel to be swapped where possible.

Sometimes it feels like my body is trapping me. Pushing me in directions that I don’t want to go. Perhaps this why I can’t own it; it is in charge and I don’t want to own up that it is me that can’t manage 5 days a week in the office without breaking, that I am the one who can’t shop all day, that I am the one who can’t do all the things I want to. I can’t bring myself to own the failures and I don’t want to.

So I suspect that for the short term, I will remain firmly in the third person. It’s not ideal but until I can make this work for me, that’s the way it is staying.

Grace in Small Things: 365 of 365!!!!!

1. Sitting reading and chatting with Mozz and Emma



2. Lovely Sunday lunch that I had nothing to do with



3. Bertie snuggling on me in bed in the morning, purring and fixing my sore hip



4. Esme curling up and snuggling on my chest and lap



5. Making a full 365 days of lovely things. That is an awful lot of lovely things that have happened to me, and I feel massively accomplished that I've actually acheived it!

Grace in Small Things: 364 of 365

1. Lovely lunch in Froggies with Emma and Mozz



2. Lovely afernoon in Carolyn (MBE)'s garden at her Royal Party with Emma, Mozz and lovely neighbours



3. Lovely evening in Plain and Fancy with Emma and Mozz



4. Glorious sun followed by rain for the flowers and crops



5. Cups of tea and biscuits with Emma on the step once we got in

Grace in Small Things: 363 of 365

1. Watching the Royal Wedding



2. Having lovely people over to share it with



3. Seeing lovely Ian in the evening



4. Winning multiple things in the raffle



5. Being with a married Mozz husband and loving him lots and lots

Grace in Small Things: 362 of 365

1. My meeting that I've been dreading being cancelled



2. Walking arm in arm into town



3. Mozz coming and being nice to my work boys



4. Fixing things



5. It being a virtual Friday and having a long weekend ahead - sunshiney, yeay!

Grace in Small Things: 361 of 365

1. Realising as numbering to catch up online thaat I'm almost done with a whole year of five things!



2. Talking to Ben about weight loss



3. Lovely texts about hairdressers



4. Food



5. Waking up to a snuggly Mozz and him being here

Grace in Small Things: 360 of 365

1. Getting Billing working



2. Sorting lovely Liz out



3. Occupational Health lady being lovely to me



4. Mozz being home early



5. Easter egg chocolate (again!)

Grace in Small Things: 359 of 365

1. Waking up in our newly pretty bedroom



2. Having had enough sleep



3. Getting lots of jobs done



4. Getting all prepped for tomorrow



5. Easter Egg Chocolate

Grace in Small Things: 358 of 365

1. Getting our room finished and back together



2. Watching film, finally, and enjoying it



3. Chocolate



4. Snuggling on the sofa after lunch



5. Being tucked up in bed together, early :o)

Grace in Small Things: 357 of 365

1. Sitting in the cathedral grounds on a bench in the sunshine with Mozz



2. Being warm enough to go out without a cardi



3. Wearing my pretty dress



4. Seeing mum go from stresed to relaxed with us



5. Nice time at dinner with Mozz talking about stuff

Grace in Small Things: 356 of 365

1. Really warm sunshine



2. Getting started in our room



3. Playing with Lottie's fairy lights



4. Lovely pasta for tea



5. Coffee in the car with the top down

Grace in Small Things: 355 of 365

1. It's like a Friday, but on a Thursday!



2. Giggling at filling canneloni with an icing bag with Lottie



3. Warmth



4. Support from friendly WW ladies



5. Making cashier in Sainsburys blush (oops, naughty)

Grace in Small Things: 354 of 365

1. Big snuggly cuddle with Bertie, his body purring vibrating on mine



2. Feeding Mozz and kids fish



3. Lovely Louise on the phone



4. Lovley Ocado man



5. Blue skies and sunshine

Grace in Small Things: 353 of 365

1. Fixing things and feeling less panicked



2. Beautiful smelling roses



3. Lovely feeling of lightness walking towards laughter and bubbly river



4. Louise being lovely and giving me her box



5. Fabulous compliment from Neil

Grace in Small Things: 352 of 365

1. Ben helping me sort out problems at work



2. Penny's nice email



3. Nizlopi



4. Bluebells



5. Not being in too much pain

Grace in Small Things: 351 of 365

1. Tea and scones with Penny, Lou and Mozz



2. Finally getting clean bathrooms



3. Crossing off ironing from my to do list (for now!)



4. Smelling lovely trees and flowers



5. Watching Mozz and Bertie looking out the windows

Grace in Small Things: 350 of 365

1. Mozz trying to recreate the google logo with his body



2. Good service in best buy after poor, poor service in PC world



3. Being able to recover data from our dead server



4. Esme snuggles post shower



5. Getting stuff done easily in town

Grace in Small Things: 349 of 365

1. Bath with cointraux and coke and bubbles



2. Lovely email from Penny



3. Delicious aubergine thing from indian



4. Neil giving me nice compliments



5. Afternoon snuggles with Mozz

Grace in Small Things: 348 of 365

1. Dozing under the sofa under a blanket



2. Not cooking tea



3. Seeing Lottie put such care and love into Pam's card



4. Mozz snuggles

Grace in Small Things: 347 of 365

1. Lovely text from Mozz



2. Email confirming reduced hours



3. DIY SOS



4. Bertie in a bag, and Esme sniffing it suspiciously...



5. Listening to my iPod whilst cooking

Grace in Small Things: 346 of 365

1. Kids trying to stop me overdoing it



2. Delicious Dolmes



3. Intreuiging and lovely candied baby aubergines



4. Smiley waiters bringing yummy foodmaking me happy



5. Kids being generally lovely and good

Grace in Small Things: 345 of 365

1. Finally writing an email I had put off for a long time - felt like I'd acheived something



2. Lottie's fashion sense



3. Lottie saying that she likes spending time with me



4. Girly time - with Lottie



5. 
   

Grace in Small Things: 344 of 365

1. Marvelous new shelf



2. Meaning tidier kitchen - so much calmer!



3. Cake and chat with family



4. Mum writing off debt!



5. Feeling more organised in general

Grace in Small Things: 343 of 365

1. Sitting in the sunshine in the cathedral grounds



2. Lovely plants in tubs and border



3. Feeling pretty spritely



4. Lottie being lovely



5. Hacking back ivy - strangely theraputic!

Grace in Small Things: 342 of 365

1. Getting written confirmation of my new shorter hours



2. Beautiful warm summer day - in April



3. Driving with the top down, Don Henley's Boys of Summer on the radio



4. Lovely invite for Pimms and gorgeous support



5. Gettig my 3 days off work when I thought I wouldn't



6. Feeling a bit foxy



7. Having a firly chat with Lottie



8. £30 amazon voucher when I was expecting £5



9. iPod being as summery as me



10. Feeling SO happy and lucky I could almost burst with love



11. Having near perfect eyesight



12. Sitting in Penny's garden with lovely people drinking Pimms



13. Lovely brilliant supports and congratulations from my real friends and family

Grace in Small Things: 341 of 365

1. Getting a yes to my shorter hours



2. Sunshine on my skin - glorious happy weather



3. Walking to work in a jumper rather than coat



4. Walking home from work WITHOUT the jumper on!



5. Everyone I met today being smiley

Grace in Small Things: 340 of 365

1. Sunshine - open windows!



2. Moving to upstairs desk where I can see sky



3. Chatting to Ben on MSN



4. Esme watching me work looking *so* pretty

Grace in Small Things: 339 of 365

1. Upgrade done and dusted



2. Neil being nice and bringing coffee



3. Being a Coxy loved by her Mozz



4. Coming home to tea cooked by Mozz



5. My bed

Grace in Small Things: 338 of 365

1. Ben's 2nd postcard arriving



2. Lamb from New Zealand as apresent - ahh! So lovely! First that he bought it, and secondly, it's so cute!



3. Watching Lambing Live



4. Caremised Onions



5. Jeanette's good news

Grace in Small Things: 337 of 365

I am so massively behind with updating online - I've actually hit my 365 days now! I've got an update somewhere up my sleeve about that, but I'm going to attempt to catch up with all my days worth first!

1. Long chat with my parents on the phone



2. All of the filing done



3. Bertie snuggles - he is such a tart!



4. Finding old things in the box making me smile



5. Esme snuzzing in my face

Grace in Small Things: 336 of 365

1. Snuggles with Mozz



2. Consultation with Louise - somehow got inside my head as well as face!



3. Eating yummy yoghurt oaty thing under a blanket on the sofa



4. Feel of Lexus accellerating out of a corner



5. Afternoon dozing

Grace in Small Things: 335 of 365

1. Comedy violence in film with Mozz



2. Excitement at something working



3. Warm enough to think about having the top of the car down



4. Bertie's funny upside down snoozing position



5. Delicious oaty yoghurt thing

Grace in Small Things: 334 of 365

1. Neil's exciting new job news



2. Going to school with Ols



3. Nice day with J and her reaction to news



4. Mozz making me hot chocolate - delicious



5. Seeing nice people in Main Building

Grace in Small Things: 333 of 365

1. Caitlyn Moran Tweeted to me!!!! ME!! I am starstruck :o)



2. Penny bought me cake and it was lovely



3. Kirsty and Phil doing holiday programmes



4. We owe less on the car loan than the car is worth. Yeay!



5. Magic Janet getting better...

Grace in Small Things: 332 of 365

1. Lovely Liz supplying biscuits, and seeing the nice careers girls



2. Lovely Penny arranging tea



3. Lovely message from Belle



4. Mozz cooking tea



5. Leaving work a bit early and coming home to a big purry welcome

Grace in Small Things: 331 of 365

1. Birds singing their little hearts out



2. Blue tits in cherry blossom tree outside work window



3. Shel showing me pictures of such pretty Austrailian birds



4. Bertie coming to love me and throw himself at me



5. Lottie helping me with tea

Grace in Small Things: 330 of 365

1. Bertie loving me and nuzzling his face into mine, purring



2. Esme wanting loving from me and being so incredibly cute when I caved



3. Delicious pea and mint stuffing



4. Snoozing in the bath



5. The quiet that descended when the kids left

Grace in Small Things: 329 of 365

1. Catching making a bit of a stir in the restaurant tonight



2. Sleepy snuggles with Lottie in the morning



3. Switching over to my "spring" coat



4. Delicious red wine and pudding



5. Sleepy snuggles with Esme and Bertie

Grace in Small Things: 328 of 365

I am horribly behind with updating this again. So much going on!

1. Mum's Parcel of slippers arriving!




2. Snoozing all day with my heat pad on my shoulder




3. Bath in daylight




4. Open windows - first time this year




5. Lovely time with neighbours

Grace in Small Things: 327 of 365

Phew! All up to date!

1. Lovely, lovely physio lady being kind, looking after me and letting me have a little talk about things and a lie down on her couch rather than making me do things.



2. My new wheaty bag smelling all lavendery and comforting at work



3. Pretty flowers on my slower walk



4. Booking summer hols with the kids and mum and dad



5. Mozz cooking tea



6. Mozz putting DIY SOS on the telly so Nick Knowles could cheer me up and distract me from the pain – it worked!

Grace in Small Things: 326 of 365

1. A parcel from Fi arriving in the post – a lovely book!



2. Nice friendly Ocado man helping me



3. Managing to turn my header green in a bit of software at work



4. Snuggles with Esmecat



5. Mozz driving me home from the station rather than vice versa

Grace in Small Things: 325 of 365

1. Bertie having lots of loving with me, putting his paws around my arm and cuddling me on my lap



2. Sunshine on my desk



3. Louise ringing and arranging my “style consultant session” – oooh!



4. Gareth saying I looked like Rapunzel – the IT depts. very own fairytale princess!



5. Knowing I don’t have to go into the office tomorrow.

Grace in Small Things: 324 of 365

1. Danni and Maria recognising me and being lovely



2. Chatting to nice WI ladies



3. Sunshine



4. My well planned out scheme coming together



5. Crossing things off lists

Grace in Small Things: 323 of 365

1. Spending time with my family



2. Pleasure at not living in my home town any more



3. Nice chat with the chronic babes



4. Dad’s snuggly jumper



5. Eating mum’s food!

Grace in Small Things: 322 of 365

1. Still having a husband who loves me



2. Beautiful springlike day



3. Penny coming to watch rugby with us



4. Knowing I’m organised for Monday



5. Surprise of it only being Saturday. Result!

Grace in Small Things: 321 of 365

1. Lie in



2. Pottering around, getting things done, not being at work



3. Getting ready with music and excitement



4. Brilliant old school dance tracks making me dance



5. New frock –looking awesome

Grace in Small Things: 320 of 365

1. Birdsong – happily tweeting away



2. The smell of spring in the air – cold, crisp and green



3. Having a tidy, ordered desk at work



4. Losing some at WW



5. Feeling like there are worker mice rather than dancing tutu mice in my brain.

Grace in Small Things: 319 of 365

1. Not getting dressed till later



2. Oli’s good nature



3. Hot cross bun, lightly toasted, all warm with butter melting…



4. Mozz being all sexy when he got home



5. Singing along to my Cher album

Grace in Small Things: 318 of 365

1. Having a Mozz who cooks tea



2. Getting to the bottom of stuff trhough fog



3. Sunshine through the window



4. Mozz trying to help me with Physio



5. Bertie curlind up to me in the morning

Grace in Small Things: 317 of 365

1. SUNSHINE!



2. Nice exchanges on twitter



3. Writing a response to the staff survey which included the sentence “institutionalised and director led bullying” – was quite proud of that one



4. Snuggling with Esme



5. Feeling marginally more productive at work

Grace in Small Things: 316 of 365

1. Seeing Chris and Dean – a lovely surprise!



2. Lottie being lovely



3. Mozz loving me and being worried



4. Giggling at Deans funny pudding



5. Coffee

Grace in Small Things: 315 of 365

1. Pork buns!



2. Napping on the sofa with Mozz and the cats



3. Mozz cooking tea



4. Lottie loving my rocky road



5. Mozz snuggling in the morning



6. Lottie coming and getting in bed with me in the morning and snuggling when Mozz had gone

Grace in Small Things: 314 of 365

1. Waking up in a strangely cheerful manner



2. Walking to work with birdsong and sunlight



3. Bruce Wilis



4. In a dirty (ish) vest – in fact, the whole RED film!



5. Downloading Cher’s Heart of Stone album and singing to myself on the way home

Grace in Small Things: 313 of 365

1. Chatting over carrots and hummus



2. Pottering round Sainsbury’s looking at pretty things



3. Not being in my office



4. Being followed by the pirate queen on twitter!



5. Getting things done

Grace in Small Things: 312 of 365

1. Working from home in bed



2. Ocado man being lovely to me



3. Having such a lovely, supportive friend as Shel, even if she is on the other side of the globe



4. Feeling proud of having stuck to tracking all day



5. Snuggling with Esme’s clean fur!

Grace in Small Things: 311 of 365

1. Pancakes



2. Mozz’s monkeys on his phone



3. Email from Garry



4. Sunshine



5. Hairy bikers in a tutu



6. Utterly ridiculous (if a bit distressing!) chase of Esme through the house with the golden syrup tin lid stuck to her pantaloons!

Grace in Small Things: 310 of 365

1. Watching all the little becoming human clips



2. It being a bit sunny



3. Office being much quieter and calmer feeling



4. Getting away with an extra day without hair washing *insert embarrassed face here*



5. Bertie rubbing his tummy on the radiator

Grace in Small Things: 309 of 365

1. Lovely Fi – getting to spend bits of time with her



2. Sharing yummy sausages with Fi



3. Cake



4. Having a Mozz who is better than custard



5. Trifle
   

Grace in Small Things: 308 of 365

1. Hugely grateful for Lou and Jonathan coming over to help with the cleaning



2. Seeing Fabulous FI



3. Mum’s trifle



4. Dom bringing cake



5. Having a brilliant husband and being team Mozz



6. All my nice people in one place for my party

Grace in Small Things: 307 of 365

Right - a day of enormous catching up with writing up my GIST lists!

1. Being told I hold my pen well by the occupational health lady



2. Sunshine!



3. Feeling a bit more productive at work than I have in a long while



4. Rick’s last day in the office – BOOM!



5. Sharing delicious milk and butterscotch chocolate – yum!

Grace in Small Things: 306 of 365

This day was my birthday. It was lovely :o)

1. Seeing Mozz, with my eyes, before work and actually holding a conversation with him



2. Opening my lovely presents from him



3. Being woken up with more lovely presents from the kids



4. Lottie making me beans on toast for breakfast



5. Surprise present from J



6. Cupcake with a candle in at work



7. Lots of lovely texts, messages and emails



8. 
   
   
9. The most delicious, fabulous turkish delight in the whole world



10. My sister offering to drive us



11. My sister offering to help clean on Saturday morning - I could have cried with gratitude



12. Dancing to the music on my iPod in the bathroom whilst getting ready



13. That I have so many marvellous lovely things to write today :oD

Grace in Small Things: 305 of 365

1. Lovely smelling daffs with smiley faces



2. Lip smacking udon noodle tea



3. Feeling of very VERY breif satisfaction that the washing was all done



4. Looking at beautiful pottery



5. Cuddles with esmecat

Grace in Small Things: 304 of 365

My goodness, I am behind in updating here. Hoping that this week I'll get a bit of a chance to sit down and sort it out!

1. Snuggling on the sofa with Mozz



2. Little licky cuddle with Esme



3. Bertie coming to snuggle up with us on the sofa



4. Offbeat home - Squeeeeeeee!!!



5. Warm buttery crusty roll

Grace in Small Things: 303 of 365

1. Enourmous mugs of hot chocolate



2. Lottie helping me with the washing



3. Esme’s furry face trying to cheer me up



4. Frank Turner Tickets :o)



5. Text from Fi confirming that she’s coming

Grace in Small Things: 302 of 365

1. Pitta and Hummus



2. Furry love in with Bertie



3. Lottie keeping coming back to me claiming she’d forgotten that she’d kissed me



4. Smell of clean washing



5. Delicious slurpy noodles

Grace in Small Things: 301 of 365

1. Our own bed back. Mmm.



2. Snuggling with Bertie on the sofa



3. Seeing my furballs again



4. Beating the French at Rugby



5. Sleeping more than expected on bus

Grace in Small Things: 300 of 365

1. Sitting with book and coffee on bed looking out of the window at the sun sparkling on the snow



2. Our own bed back. Mmm.
   
   Snuggling with Bertie on the sofa
   
   Seeing my furballs again
   
   Beating the French at Rugby
   
   Sleeping more than expected on bus
   

Grace in Small Things: 299 of 365

1. Sitting with book and coffee on bed looking out of the window at the sun sparkling on the snow



2. Lovely relaxing massage



3. Snuggling on sofa with Lottie



4. Snogging a Mozz



5. Beautiful weather and views



6. Kids and Dave being so chuffed with their having skied a red run

Grace in Small Things: 298 of 365

1. Relief at text saying to meet later than planned



2. Whipping down a run I struggled with on Sunday



3. Laughing at the kids all bum boarding together



4. Giggling as Mozz and I slithered down the slope upside down



5. Sneaky rum and apple juice taking some of the pain away



6. Silence after kids and adults vanished

Grace in Small Things: 297 of 365

1. Delicious sweet chestnut crepe



2. Giggling my way down the piste edge in the dark



3. Making it down a run much more in control



4. Red wine



5. Lottie looking out for me on the piste

Grace in Small Things: 296 of 365

1. Blissful massage



2. Lots of sleep



3. Buying postcards and stamps in French



4. Having a little potter around Motteret



5. Salad

Grace in Small Things: 295 of 365

1. Skiing notionally better



2. Stopping skiing and getting the bus



3. Biscuits and tea in bed



4. Kids looking after me



5. Chocalat Chaud

Grace in Small Things: 294 of 365

1. Making it down The Trout mostly unscathed



2. Afternoon snuggles with Mozz



3. Flapjack and tea in bed



4. Vin Chaud



5. Refreshing shower

Grace in Small Things: 293 of 365

1. Driver not being mental



2. Sun on pretty lake in Ancy



3. Realising I’d not forgotten how to ski



4. Coffee and Panini in Gatwick at 5am



5. Relief that others in chalet aren’t too weird

Grace in Small Things: 292 of 365

1. Brunch in Monde with Mozz



2. Fixed tooth all happy



3. Work email from Finance saying how brilliant I am



4. Kids excitement at hols



5. Giggly being lept on



6. Brill email from Jenni about Moderation

Grace in Small Things: 291 of 365

1. Dentist calling me back to see her tomorrow at a different practice specially to fix me up before holiday



2. Feeling of walking home and a huge weight lifting – no work for over a week!



3. Anticipation of seeing the feeling live for the first time in ages



4. Brilliant live gig as ever



5. Join with us at the end – forgot all my aches and pains and danced and sang and it was just brilliant!

Grace in Small Things: 290 of 365

1. Lottie chattering on and then announcing that she had "verbal diarrhoea"



2. Ice cream



3. Seeing lovely Penny



4. Spa voucher buying – girly day out on the cards



5. Text from Fi saying she would come to my party, eee!!!

Grace in Small Things: 289 of 365

I'm horribly, horribly behind with updating this. I've got it all in a notebook, but have been all a bit upside down of late with one thing and another! Will try and catch up over hte next few days :o)

1. Tea being tasty



2. Lunch with J and Liz



3. Ringing my mum from underneath the duvet



4. Finding Firefly on the telly (mmm... Mal)



5. Under the circumstances I don't hurt as much as I could

Grace in Small Things: 288 of 365

1. Waking up and opening eyes to see a valentines card from Mozz propped up behind my coffee



2. Beautiful orchid delivered to work



3. Sunshine in the morning



4. Feeling good in beautiful shoes, beautiful shirt and matching undies



5. Soft snuggly shirt wearing that smells of Mozz

Grace in Small Things: 287 of 365

1. Snoozy warm bath



2. Mozz ironing my shirts for me



3. Oli chatting away about stuff



4. Egg and bacon sandwich



5. Not having to go out in the rain

Grace in Small Things: 286 of 365

1. Moment of quiet contemplation in the Fishermans Chapel in the cathedral



2. Drinking cocktails in PaF



3. Watching Englandsail to victory over Italy



4. Sunshine on my skin at lunchtime



5. Walking in to town chatting with Denise



6. Mozz loving me and being my lovely husband

Grace in Small Things: 285 of 365

1. Lovely comfortable chatting with Guy and Denise



2. Mozz - all warm and gorgeous



3. Esme snuggling up on my lap



4. Cheesecake



5. Nice Wine



6. Talking about our wedding prompted by someone else, and having Guy say how brilliant it was to Denise

Grace in Small Things: 284 of 365

1. Seeing our carpet all clean and hoovered again - I had no idea it was upsetting me so much



2. Teamwork - me and Mozz getting stuff done



3. Crossing things off lists



4. Smell of Mozz's warm shoulder



5. David Mitchel on telly making me laugh

Grace in Small Things: 283 of 365

1. Speaking to Shel on webcam



2. Ginger shortbread biscuits



3. Finally making my soup



4. Mozz listening to me



5. Playig with Esmecat and finding Bertie on top of the fridge!

Grace in Small Things: 282 of 365

1. Bertie laying on my chest forcing me to call in, and snuggles with Esmecat



2. Bath in the sunshine



3. Sitting with white space in Starbucks



4. Lovley cocktails with lovely people



5. Crossing things off my list

Grace in Small Things: 281 of 365

1. Coffee with Liz



2. Not hurting too much



3. Stealth wedding invite delivery



4. Engagingin a conversation about football where I knew more than a boy



5. Feel Better Bear

Grace in Small Things: 280 of 365

1. Lovely text from Marlon



2. Seeing Emma and Guy



3. Liverpool beating Chelsea



4. Being all girly with Emma and Lottie getting on well together



5. Lottie's face when she realised I'd known her half her life

Grace in Small Things: 279 of 365

1. getting Lottie's first bra with herand showing her how it works



2. Treating self to a beautiful new shirt



3. Getting bargainous new tops



4. Really satisfying crack of my back



5. Bertie continually stalking Lottie and sneaking into her room by opening her bedroom door



6. Yumy tea and good company

Grace in Small Things: 278 of 365

1. Coffee with Jeanette in Costa



2. Having a not quite row with Sue - felt oddly liberating



3. Exciting England vs Wales 6 Nations match



4. More lovely internet people



5. Chat with Sister on phone

Grace in Small Things: 277 of 365

1. Discovering there was a new leader at WW



2. The kindness of the internet



3. Getting a positive from one of my meetings



4. Feeling positive and buying fruit



5. Cooking tea with Mozz and eating lamb

Grace in Small Things: 276 of 365

1. Long bubbly shower



2. Gary K telling me things I wanted to hear



3. Grandma waking up from her op ok



4. Books arriving in post



5. Both Oli and Lottie rabbiting on at me as they ironed and I tried to work - both endearing and irritting in equal measures!

Grace in Small Things: 275 of 365

1. Seeing Tony and haing a nice chat about nothing much



2. Long meeting breaking up day with much agreeing



3. Cinnamon in my coffee



4. Potentially fixing another long term problem



5. Cream cake

Grace in Small Things: 274 of 365

1. Nat arranging to pay back £50 a month of the money she owes Mozz



2. Discovering I've managed a sort of "3 for the price of 2" style overpayment on my mortgage



3. Beci's tweet making me laugh



4. Fixing something finally that took all day



5. Mozz showing me his body to cheer me up!

Grace in Small Things: 273 of 365

1. Hundreds of snowdrops with their cheery little spring heads at Mottisfont



2. Spending time with my parents



3. Mozz cooking tea



4. Kids coming home tired and happy



5. Bertie letting me rest my head on him as he purred happily, both curled up on the sofa

Grace in Small Things: 272 of 365

1. Coffee with Belle



2. Lovely email from Jenni



3. Smile inducing text from Juney about the Size of a Cow (Wonderstuff) dance



4. Being with Mozz, not trying to do 100 things



5. New wooly tights

Grace in Small Things: 271 of 365

1. Lottie asking me to make sure that Mum and Dad don't leave before they get back from camp as she wanted to see them :o)



2. A day with my earphones in and cheery music all day



3. Sitting on the sofa watching trashy telly undisturbed



4. Number ones of '96 being on a video channel I found - including wannabe by the Spice Girls!



5. Neil lurking behind Rick ninja style till he got so close he made Rick jump out of his skin - look on his face was hysterical!

Grace in Small Things: 270 of 365

1. Seeing lovely Emma



2. Hearing my knobby colleague has resigned - Boom! Haha. This means much less mean, patronising mysoginistic crap, huzzah!



3. Spending lots of time with the nice ladies from Finance



4. Rich and Guy making me laugh



5. Snowdrops peeping their little heads out, finally :o)

Grace in Small Things: 269 of 365

1. Seeing the nice physio lady



2. Having a sneaky latte from costa on the way home from the Drs - all the tastier for it's covertness



3. Snuggling with Esmecat



4. UHI calling en masse to help me with one of my admissions problems



5. Looking forward to reading my new magazine

Grace in Small Things: 268 of 365

1. Dinner out with my Mozz



2. Wearingout my new beautiful boots



3. The lovely little man in Bankock Brasserie being so friendly



4. J & Finance finally really seeing what I've been going on about for ages - seeing the vision!



5. Nice message from Rich on Twitter

Grace in Small Things: 267 of 365

1. Snuggles with Esmecat



2. Kids looking all grown up and lovely



3. Bertie curling up in bed with me before the alarm goes off



4. Walknig to work faster than usual with Bon Jovi in my ears



5. Meeting over coffee with cinnamon

Grace in Small Things: 266 of 365

1. Lovley warm bath with hot chocolate and the NT mag!



2. Yummy Sunday lunch cooked by someone else



3. Being Human back on the telly



4. The silence as everyone left today



5. Mozz hoovering

Grace in Small Things: 265 of 365

1. New Beautiful tan high heeled boots - massively unpractical: utterly lovely.



2. Nice chaps in Timpsons looking after me and my boots



3. Lie in and a quiet sit on the sofa for 10 mins just me, my coffee and sunshine in the window



4. Arctic Roll! As 80's and comfortingly trashy as I remembered!



5. The effect that the new boots appear to have on Mozz...

Grace in Small Things: 264 of 365

1. Catkins on a tree



2. Beating Lottie at dancey game



3. Mozz hugging me from behind in the bathroom, with my eyes closed and our bodies all close - safe and comforting just when I needed it most



4. Knowing it's Friday evening and I get a lie in tomorrow



5. The sunrise this morning being spectacularly gorgeous

Grace in Small Things: 263 of 365

1. Mozz cooking my tea



2. Snuggling on the sofa with Mozz watching a film



3. Gary maybe being our new Lead Consultant for work - Eee!



4. Possible solution to my annoying problem at work



5. NHS being spectacularly good at looking after me

Grace in Small Things: 262 of 365

1. Mozz saying lovlely things to me when I was upset



2. Mum being lovely as ever



3. Kids announcing how delicious tea was, unprompted



4. Arctic roll arriving with the ocado man!



5. Mozz's thighs :o)

Grace in Small Things: 261 of 365

1. Lunch with Lovely Liz and Jeanette



2. Sunshine warm on my skin



3. Dozing under a blanket with pusscats



4. Sweet fresh crunch of mange tout in my curry



5. Bed.

Grace in Small Things: 260 of 365

1. Gossipy but productive meeting with Saffron



2. Kissing mozz when he got in



3. Nice ladies at the WI



4. Being better than Lottie at dancing (Shh, don't tell)



5. Bertie trying to eat my toes and love me to death in the morning

Grace in Small Things: 259 of 365

1. Seeing lovely messages in FB from Mrs Lee and Skip



2. Sat having a cup of tea and a cuddle with Mozz



3. Esme's paws twitching in her sleep



4. Getting to play my dancey game



5. Bath full to the brim of hot water

Stupidity: You’re not alone…

I’ve been thinking this week about the latest topic for the chronic babe blog carnival – the stupid things that people say about chronic illness. It’s interesting because there are so many of them – “you don’t look ill to me?!” being a fairly widespread one I think we’ve all received, or at least a variation on a theme! I think that sort of comment is mostly from people who aren’t thinking, or are surprised and don’t know quite what to say. I wonder if there is some sort of socially acceptable response to something like cancer “oh no – I’m so sorry” (though I suspect there are a number of stupid things people say about that instead!) whereas for invisible things people don’t quite know what to say. So they say the first thing that comes out of their mouths that’s supposed to sound consoling – “but you look good?”

Some of the things people say, however, verge on the offensive. I never quite know what to say to the people who think that perhaps if I just pray harder, or had been a better person God might not be punishing me. Yeah.

No.

I feel like I ought to share a little xkcd cartoon at this juncture, because it made me feel better:



I think the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said to me about my creaks was, disappointingly, a GP at my old practice (You may note I changed practices pretty soon after all this occurred!). I’d gone to see them a few times because I was so tired and hurt so much. I’d been sent for a blood test for anaemia, and it had come back clear. I was a tired and upset that I was being brushed off, and he said that they “often see these symptoms in teens and early twenties, and that I'd probably feel better when the summer came”.

I was a bit surprised and pointed out I was over 30 and this had been going on now about a year, and he sort of stuttered a little and said it was clearly a sign I was young at heart. I thought - oh, f*ck off. And burst into tears. I pointed out I didn’t feel very young – I feel about sixty and I fall asleep every time I am sat still. He said, “there there”, and practically shoved me out the door into the waiting room, still in tears.

I went home somewhat disheartened. Things got worse. So I finally got up courage to go back to the doctors – a different one in the same practice - and said, in a nutshell “I know I’m not well. Refer me to someone who knows what they are doing. I have narrowed this down to be a rheumatologist, because you lot think I’m making it up. I have private insurance so you don’t even need to work out who fits in your budget - just write the bloody letter”. I don’t say those words *exactly*, obviously, I am a nice girl, but I wish I had because the man proceeded to made me cry, asked if I was having sex with Dave (At 8.10 in the morning!!!) and then announced that this confirmed that I was either making it up, or making a supreme effort.

The word I thought isn’t for the eyes of nice people. But I got my referral, and a diagnosis, and things improved in the end.

The thing is though, I don’t believe that the stupid things that people say are just aimed at those of us with chronic illness. I married a man with children, so I am officially a wicked stepmother. I look after them 7 days out of 14, and have been looking after them for half of the younger one’s life. I love them beyond measure and would do anything to make sure that they are safe, well and looked after. The idea that any of either of them might come to any harm makes me feel sick to my stomach. Even creaky I have arrived 20 metres down a swimming pool in seconds to drag one of them out from under the water with the biggest burst of adrenaline I have EVER experienced. And yet I’m treated like I know nothing about looking after kids (because I haven’t been looking after two for knocking on 6 years), and that I don’t love them. I regularly hear “you can’t possibly love them like a real parent, they aren’t yours”. You wouldn’t say that to someone who had adopted a child, why on earth is it ok to say it to me? I’m not a real parent because they don’t share my genes – yet I’m the one washing their clothes, helping with homework, ferrying to school and buses, sewing badges on kit, tucking them in at night and talking to them about periods. I make their packed lunches and rearrange my work schedule so I can be home when they are. Even Dave’s ex-wife appreciates the amount I do for them; yet onlookers (including close friends) cannot see past the fact that I did not give birth to them. They think that my relationship with the kids is worth nothing, and that I do nothing for them; that they are just some sort of accessory to Dave.

I’m fairly certain, that you, reading this will be going “what nonsense!”. But I wonder if you’ve ever seen a step mum at the school gate, or in a circle of friends and dismissed her. I think I may have been guilty of this myself in the past as a child – it’s what we’re brought up on, a diet of Disneyfied cackling wicked stepmothers , Brothers Grimm tales and J Lo being a step monster.

I know I’ve gone off on a bit of a side track here – but I think it’s worth pondering. I think that we feel we are alone in having stupid things said to us – but I suspect people say stupid things to all sorts of people about all sorts of things, and in every room there will be at least one person who hasn’t thought through what is coming out of their mouth at some point. There are stupid people everywhere saying stupid things: we just happen to hear the ones that affect us. What is harder sometimes is to remember to hear the things people say that aren’t stupid – the people who really matter and care for us rarely say the unthinking things. My new GP trusts my words and believes me, and looks after me as much she can. Dave carries me up the stairs when I can’t make it on my own – sickness and in health. The kids tell me they love me, and think the world of me. And those are the things that matter.

Grace in Small Things: 258 of 365

1. Delicious food at Beas of Bloomsbury



2. Seeing lovely Emma



3. Barmen flirting with me- nice to feel like I've still got it!



4. Mozz smelling sexy all day in his snuggly jumper



5. Beautiful stuffed vine leaves - the RIGHT sort. Mmmmm...

Grace in Small Things: 257 of 365

1. Hotshots Part Deux



2. Accidental detour to Plain and Fancy with my sister



3. Cocktails cutting through the grinding fog of the week like vinegar through grease



4. Esme snuggled all snoozy on my lap as we watched Hustle



5. Getting excited about seeing Em tomorrow

Grace in Small Things: 256 of 365

1. Watching brand new Phil and Kirstie on TV snuggled up in Mozz's arms



2. Eating chocolate spread by the spoonful from the Jar



3. Wearing my new blouse and feeling foxy



4. Esme snuggles on top of me on top mine and Mozz snuggles



5. Wearing Mozz's cuff links and thinking of him every time I saw or touched them

Grace in Small Things: 255 of 365

1. Lottie's school shoes arriving and fitting



2. Dave sending over brilliant documentation saving me tonnes of work



3. Esme snuggles cheering me up



4. Knowing that after tomorrow I'll e semi rid of my spreadsheet



5. Listening to Different Class and remembering almost all the words

Grace in Small Things: 254 of 365

1. Bertie pouncing on ribbon



2. Seeing lovely Penny who always smells so nice



3. Mozz thinking about my spoons and not drinking so I could go out



4. Knowing I’m at home tomorrow



5. Snuggling under blanket on sofa with my heat pad

Grace in Small Things: 253 of 365

1. Oli helping unload the dishwasher, unprompted, mid xbox game!



2. getting something working at work



3. Cinnamon in my coffee



4. Text from Emma



5. Mozz doing a little dance for me to make a 5th thing for today’s list – I love that man :o)

Grace in Small Things: 252 of 365

1. Sitting sewing in the sun



2. Delicious roast lamb



3. Custard



4. Esme laying all cute on my lap



5. Finishing a duku with my coffee

Grace in Small Things: 251 of 365

1. Scoring the dress I’ve had my eye on for over 9 months in the sale for under half price :o)



2. Getting all Lottie’s bits for camp sorted way ahead of time



3. Chocolate Orange Curd, eaten by the spoonful from the jar



4. Esme snuggles, all through the day



5. Bertie snuggling both me and Lottie on her bed - stealing both alpha cat’s girls!

Grace in Small Things: 250 of 365

1. Finally being productive and achieving order at work, breifly



2. Lovely Jools from reception coming to kiss me and say hello when she saw me in the dark this morning



3. Melody Gardot sounding beautiful on my fabulous new earphonesfor my ipod



4. Common People by Pulp first thing. Never ever fails to make me smile, that song



5. Oli helping me sort tea out, and worrying over my cut finger

Grace in Small Things: 249 of 365

1. Lottie saying how thin she thinks I am



2. Coffee with Xilyn in Costa at the hospital



3. Mum being pleased



4. Nick Knowles saving the world and being lovely on TV



5. Lovely tweets at me!

Grace in Small Things: 248 of 365

1. Joining Twitter and people speaking to me on it!



2. Stargazing being absolutely brilliant again – Prof. Brian Cox is just fascinating. If he’d taught me science things, the arts wouldn’t have stood a chance!



3. Little Cat massage from Esme



4. Pretty flowers arriving



5. The Ocado man being super nice to moe – more than usual

Grace in Small Things: 247 of 365

1. The nurse in rheumatology being utterly charming, lovely and making me feel better



2. The rheumatologist listening and being interested in trying to help me



3. Curling up with Kirstie, Phil, Esme and a hot chocolate



4. Domestic Sluttery returning after the Christmas break



5. Realising that now I have a shirt that requires cufflinks, I can own the beautiful ones I’ve been drooling over for months that are just too pretty/girly for Mozz all for myself! I’ve got an excuse!

Grace in Small Things: 246 of 365

1. Strolling arm in arm with Mozz feeling chilled



2. Getting into lots of jobs done early



3. Clean bed sheets



4. Watching the Stargazing program on telly – Dara O’Brien and Brian Cox being silly and incredibly clever together



5. Mozz’s happiness at his new gadget

Grace in Small Things: 245 of 365

1. Having a bit of a sort out and recycling clothes



2. Reading Simon’s Cat books in bed with Mozz



3. Getting out of the house



4. Liking my newly swapped shirt better than the old one



5. A new telly program I like :o)

Grace in Small Things: 244 of 365

1. My dad loving me so much



2. Reading an entire book in the bath



3. Bertie snuggles when Mozz isn’t looking



4. Being able to not do much for a day



5. Finding a 10% off Lush voucher!

Grace in Small Things: 243 of 365

1. Having my family and Penny all snuggled in the living room in the warm



2. Jools Holland being daft as ever



3. Drinking coffee with Mozz after doing our shop



4. Being loved.



5. Having two lovely pusscats



6. Getting nice messages from unexpected people

New Year!

Every year, around this time, I sit and have a little ponder about the coming year. I usually wind up with a few resolutions – lose weight/keep the weight off, be nicer to myself and try to hold on to my marbles. That sort of thing. When I was younger, get a boyfriend used to be on the list, but now I’m married that seems a bit excessive!

This year, however, I’ve been thinking less about resolutions and more about what I’d like to try and do differently. The things that have floated to the top of my consciousness are all a bit different to usual – much less measurable, but probably things that will be better for me in the long run.

1. I am going to try and dress more smartly. I work in an office where it’s acceptable to show up in tracksuit bottoms (or at least, one member of staff thinks so, and no one has told him otherwise) and my standard of dress is slipping increasingly into jeans and a jumper every day. Nothing wrong with that, but I feel better about myself when I’m dressed smarter. My self-esteem and confidence goes up – and the higher my heels the more I feel like I can conquer the world. I’m 5 11” in flats, and the boys I work with are all about 5 8”. They don’t know my brain is full of fog half the time and I’m not letting on as I’m still better at my work than they are. After all, as the song says – you can be as brave as you make believe you are!



2. I am going to try and ease off with the perfectionism. I’m not going to be able to completely let go on this front because it’ a huge part of who I am, but I’m going to work harder at not being so mean to myself when I can’t achieve everything. I’m not up to it, and beating myself up about something can’t physically achieve does not help my health. I guess this is part of a bigger aim…
   


3. Acceptance. The holy grail of those with health conditions. I need to get better at working with my body, rather than against it. I think I’ve got a bit better over the last year, but I think it might need to improve some more! I also suspect that I could use the spoons I do have more wisely – less on ex wives and politics at work and more on looking after myself, the kids and Dave, and trying new things to ake me feel better. Including preparing more for appointments…
   


4. Socialising – I need to say “yes with a caveat” more, and “no - just in case” less. I’ve proved, mostly, that I can make more things than I think I can, and the people I see now tend to be ones who’ve either met me post creaks or love me through them. I am who I am and I still love company. My friends that are left don’t mind too much that I’m flakey.
   


5. Work – I’m going to attempt to not let the nonsense there get to me so much. I need to separate some of the emotion and energy from what I do at work and focus it elsewhere – not entirely sure where else it’s going to go just at the moment but as circumstances dictate that I can’t leave my job, I need to find a way to make things there better. A work in progress!
   

None of these things are particularly measurable, but I think they seem to be good things to aim for. I shall endeavour to apply the 2nd one to all of these as well – if I don’t succeed, there is always next year….